Sunday morning and I woke up feeling love in my house. There is nothing special about today, really. But I think that is what makes it so special. We’re on the verge of many major changes here, and watching the snow fall hard and fast on the lawn while a little dog snuggles up on the blanket next to me and a lovely man mumbles in his sleep, these are the things I really need to make me happy. What I know is that all I really need, for now, is this moment here.
Things change, but nothing changes, and sometimes I feel like I’ve been worried for so long. Worried about not having steady work, work that’s moving me toward my career goals, my life goals. Worried about what it’s doing to me, mentally, that I’m not handling it well. Worried that I’m not who I thought I was going to be when I was 16 and all I had were the words on the page in front of me and my whole life was there, just in the distance, just out the front door. Worried that what I have, what I’ve made for myself here, and now, just isn’t enough.
It’s funny though, that me, such a realist, mostly a pessimist really, I remain optimistic. As soon as I put it out there in the universe that I was going to renew my efforts to find a job, even if it was just freelance work for now, things started happening. I have four five potential clients. I have an interview for a full-time gig tomorrow. I started volunteering for an incredible organization. And even if none of it turns into anything concrete, I’ve found a renewed sense of confidence in my ability to do my job, and even do it well. I find comfort in that, at least. And some of the worry goes.
Things will change, and with that I’ll find new worry I’m sure. The morning will turn to afternoon, and the snow will stop falling. The phone calls, the meetings, the routine conversations that determine the course of a life, those things will all happen, and things will change. But for now I find happiness, I find love, in a cup of coffee, a warm cozy blanket, a family. Because those are the things that make up this life.