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Choosing

I talked to a friend today. She told me some things I didn’t know. Things I was sorry to hear, but things I was almost relieved to hear at the same time. She told me how she’s been struggling with a little bit of postpartum depression, and how damn hard it is to be a mom. And as she was talking, I found myself nodding. Nodding and saying yes and mmm hmm and I get that and I SO get that. And I realized this sense of relief flooding over me.

No, I don’t think I have postpartum. But I think I have a case of damn this is hard and I don’t know what I’m doing. I definitely have a case of that.

Every day. And it’s nice to know someone else feels that way. No I don’t want her to struggle. I want her to get better and for things to get easier and every day I’m going to be thinking about her hoping that happens for her and doing whatever I can do to support her. But I want her to know that it’s okay that it’s hard, and I’m so glad she said it out loud. Someone needs to say it out loud.

I’m new at this. The mom thing. I’ve got nothing to go on except books and message boards and millions of strangers on the Internets and nosy women at the local sandwich shop telling me what to do. Who do I listen to?

I might never know.

In fact I’m sure I’ll never know. I’ll never know until one day, I’m looking back at all this, or I see some woman in the grocery store struggling to keep her baby from crying and get the damn frozen meals in the cart because she sure as hell doesn’t have time to cook a real meal and maybe I’ll be a little judgy. But hopefully, I’ll be like this lady, and I’ll pay for her groceries and tell her to keep on keeping on and do the best she can.

……..

I’ve been struggling with work. Going back was rough. Nearly impossible some days. There’s the obvious difficulty of being away from Evie for such a large part of the day. Then there’s pumping, which is pretty much the WORST. Side note – if you know a pumping lady, you need to go give her a cookie. She’s probably hungry. Then there’s trying to fit in exercising to lose the baby weight, and cooking healthy dinners, and getting your child on some kind of perfect sleeping schedule, oh and not to mention maintain some sort of a social life or at least pretend you still have friends, and it’s all just so stressful.

But other moms do it. Tons of them do. They do it every day and practically every single one I know makes it look so good.

But I’ve been struggling, and definitely not making it look good. I feel like I’ve pretty much been failing at both.  I’m a bad employee because I’m so sleep deprived and I just can’t focus on anything except my baby. But I’m a bad mom because I’m not home and she can’t even roll over yet and she’s getting all of these ear infections because of daycare and it’s ALL MY FAULT.

So I’ve been thinking about all of this, thinking about my life and how it’s happening NOW and I can’t just sit back and let it happen to me, and I’ve come to a decision.

I’m leaving my full-time job so I can spend more time at home.

Coming to this decision was also one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. For as long as I can remember, I have been a go-getter. A climb the ladder kind of gal, always on the move. And I have (had) a great job. I liked it and was about to get another promotion and things were going swimmingly. But Evie has changed everything, and my priorities are just different now.

I want to be with her. I want to see her more and I don’t want to race out the door to show up on time for an 8 a.m. meeting that 6 other people are LATE to. I just don’t have the patience anymore.

I still want to work, and I’ve been struggling with the thought of leaving my job, so I think we’ve come to a happy medium and I’m going to do some contract work. I’ll still get to be home with Evie more, but I can keep doing the things I’m good at and hopefully all of these things I’ve worked so hard for won’t take a nosedive.

I know I’m lucky because I GET to choose. Not a lot of people get to do that. And there is a small part of me that still feels like a little bit of a failure, like I couldn’t hack being a full-time working mama. But there’s another part that says screw it.

This is the right decision for me, and the right decision for our family.

So as of February 3, life’s going to be changing a little bit. Or a lot bit. And I still reserve the right to complain as much as I want about how hard motherhood is. But that’s okay, because I get this.

And that makes it all worth it.

Posted in (non)WorkingGirl, baby, Evie, working.

3 comments

By Jeni – January 20, 2012

Six Months

Dear Evelyn,

You are six months old. I can hardly believe it. Half a year has flown by. And you are so awesome right now. You are babbling and chatting and let’s face it SCREAMING (in delight most of the time) and it is so hilarious. You are so clearly an opinionated baby and I just love it. You always have something to say about what is going on.

You are starting to move quite a bit more now, but still no rolling over. I have to admit it’s made me a bit nervous because apparently that is a big six-month milestone, but I know you’ll do it at your own pace. You have however, mastered sucking on your own toes, which is pretty adorable. After a couple of visits to the baby physical therapist you’re doing great on your tummy and lifting your head up a ton. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified for the day when you start crawling, so I don’t mind you sticking to the lump stage for now. I know it won’t last much longer.

The past month has had its ups and downs, and after your fourth round of ear infections we are officially taking you to an ear nose and throat doctor. You’ve been a trooper through all of this, always happy even through three days in a row of pretty heinous antibiotic shots right before Christmas. I think tubes might be in your future, and that scares the hell out of me, but I want you to be well and I want you to be able to hear me clearly WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU YOUNG LADY!

We went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago and it was a pretty incredible trip. Something happened there, some kind of sleep miracle, and you actually started putting yourself to sleep for naps. We are still unclear as to whether or not this trend will continue now that we are home, but for now I am absolutely thrilled. Now if we could only get you sleeping through the night (really sleeping through the night, not this five-hour stuff).

Hawaii was all-around amazing for you I think. You loved the sun and the climate was wonderful for everyone. You didn’t enjoy the ocean too much and were kind of indifferent about the pool even though we were all pretty gung ho about your little float. You did rock some sunglasses though. And you had a great time just hanging out on the towel we put down for you in the living room of our condo. We rented a bunch of baby gear and I have to say that is such a fantastic business idea for a tourist spot like Maui. It was great to have a crib and an exersaucer and all of the other junk we need for you. Even though it’s all pretty tiny, you sure do need a lot of STUFF.

Oh and lest I forget, we started solids this month. Well not really, we actually just started a mashed up banana with some milk, but you seem to like it okay. We are going to start some cereal, avocado and other veggies pretty soon here. It’s kind of fun to see you eat but honestly I could wait on this one. I know it means lots of messes to clean up and it makes me kind of sad – it’s like the end of an era. Also, I am terrified of giving you any food issues. But I am going to try my best to set a good example and just have fun with it. Even if that means gooey smashed bananas all over the floor. I’m sure Saucer will love it.

I’m looking forward to spending some more time with you over the next couple of months. You’re going to say mama any day now. I just know it. You’re a total prodigy. I can’t find one picture of us together where you look happy though. Am I stressing you out? I’ll quit pressuring you. Just say it and I promise I’ll stop.

Love you baby girl,

Mama

 

Posted in baby, Evie, monthly updates, traveling.

2 comments

By Jeni – January 12, 2012

Four Months

Dear Evelyn,

Well you did it, we all did it, made it to that three month mark. The so-called fourth trimester is finally over. Oh and while I was writing this somehow another month passed and we are now at four  months. It’s crazy, but already I can hardly remember those early days and nights, when you were such a tiny peanut and we were so nervous about your every move, checking to see if you were breathing all snuggled up in that little bassinet.

Today you are a chunk. You are a big, healthy, chubby baby and I love it. You are smiling and even laughing in delight at the most random things, usually the wall. You are talking, cooing and goo goo gagaing all over the place. I’m pretty sure your dad and I have an unspoken competition to see whether or not your first word will be mama or dada. Oh I know not to expect that for a while, but still. I can try. This is one battle I plan to win.

This month you started teething, which hasn’t been so bad yet, although I’m sure we haven’t gotten to the worst of it yet. Mostly it means your hands and toys are constantly in your mouth, oh and you are drooling everywhere. I myself am over trying to keep you looking clean and neat, but your dad and your aunt are constantly wiping you down so I really don’t have to worry about it. I’m the messy mom.

You also got your first cold this month, and it has been a doozie. We are two weeks in and finally getting better. We found out you actually had a double ear infection as part of this sucker, and that was a pretty sad moment for your parents. We felt pretty bad about not catching that. But you never had a fever, and you’ve been pretty dang happy despite not feeling good. You’re finally on antibiotics now and we are hoping you get better before we have to go back to Texas for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of Texas, you went on your first and second plane rides this past two months. One for a happy occasion, and one for a sad occasion. I will just say that I am so glad you got to meet your Bibba. She loved you very much.

We celebrated our first Halloween by dressing you up in a ridiculous outfit that you pretty much hated, but we thought was adorable.

Oh and you scratched the crap out of mom’s face. Ouch. Cutting your fingernails is your aunt’s job though. I’m not in charge of that.

You’ve got pretty much the best dad in the world. This was cemented when he went out of town for four days this past month, and I pretty much lost my damn mind. It was hard. Really hard. I have an entirely new respect for single parents now. We had a couple of really hard nights, I barely slept and neither did you, and then he came home and it was all better. I must say that parenting is definitely a team sport.

You are my world baby girl.

Love,

Mama

Posted in baby, Evie, monthly updates.

4 comments

By Jeni – November 14, 2011

Goodbye Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is ending. I am so sad. I can hardly even talk about it. But I know it’s coming and I have to figure out real life, life with job and baby. How do you people do it? Mamas, I’m talking to you. How the heck is this possible? To leave my sweet baby girl and go worry about website hits and sales numbers? Argh.

Part of me is excited really, to get back to work. I like my job and I miss the thrill of success and the agony of defeat. Okay that’s a little dramatic, but you get what I’m saying. I miss the work. I miss the people. The adults, that actually talk back to me during the day. I miss having something to think about other than nap schedules and whether we have enough diapers and did I run the dishwasher.

I have to be honest though, I am having a seriously primal reaction to leaving my baby. Like, the hormones are going crazy I might have to fight off a lion I will kill anyone that looks at her reaction. And I know it’s normal and natural and mothers are programmed to react like this, but it’s really hard to reconcile my head and my heart. This is the plight of the working mother I guess, that thing that everyone goes through. We want to work, but we want to be with baby too. And we don’t get to do both.

You don’t get to do both.

And it sucks.

So yeah, Monday is the day. I go back and leave my little girl for the whole day. And I’m supposed to act like a grown up. Guessing that’s not going to happen. So any advice on how to handle it? Aside from bringing lots of tissues?

 

Posted in baby, Evie, working.

3 comments

By Jeni – September 29, 2011

Two Months

Dear Evelyn,

Two months old already. I wanted to do a letter like this for your first month. I even started it when you were three weeks old. But here you are at two months already and that letter has one opening sentence. So I don’t have a letter for month one, but here I am at month two. I want to document your growth and have a spot to spew my special brand of mommy love. It is incredible how quickly the time passes. Days and nights, and suddenly we’re here and I don’t have a newborn anymore, I have a baby. A real baby girl. And you are everything. The only thing.


The past two months have been the most amazing time in my life. Every day you grow and change so much.  You started smiling around week six, just like those books said you might, and it has absolutely melted our hearts. Your dad and I can hardly stand it when we see that grin break out on your face. Oh you make us work for it, but we do. We tickle and squeak and giggle at you like there’s no tomorrow, just to see that smile. I’m sure we look absolutely ridiculous, but we don’t care.

You’ve also started talking more in the last week or so. Not real talking, just some coos and random noises here and there. But you’re starting to interact with us, to tell us what you want and what you need. You also do this adorable half sneeze half sigh thing that your dad just loves. It’s like you just missed a sneeze and have given in with a little sigh of resignation. You get the hiccups all the time still, and mostly it doesn’t seem to bother you, but sometimes you get angry about the whole thing. You do have your moments.

You’re sleeping a little bit more now, which is absolutely fantastic. You’ve even had a few six hour stretches, which is just luxurious after so many weeks of two and three hours at a time. We’re working on starting a bedtime routine and getting you to sleep a little earlier, but it is definitely a work in progress. Sleep is not yet your forte. You’re actually quite the diva when you wake up – all big stretches and yawns. I joke that you are just like your dad in that respect. A little on the dramatic side.

You also found your hand this week, which is kind of awesome and hilarious because you go crossed eyed just staring at it. I think you want to get it in your mouth, but you aren’t quite there yet. I hope you will, because despite our best efforts, you will not take a pacifier. Your dad has purchased approximately 8,000 different types of pacifiers, but to no avail. So maybe you’ll suck on the hand or the thumb someday soon.

You went to your 2 month doctor’s appointment last week and you did great, despite a few tears from me during your shots. It just hurts so much to see you in pain. You were a whopping 12 lbs and 8.5 ounces, and 22.5 inches long, putting you in the 93rd percentile for weight and the 70th percentile for height. We are thrilled you are growing so well – it means we’re doing something right at least. Everything else looked great and we probably asked a few stupid questions, but no one can blame us for having a bit of new parent neuroses. We just want you to be perfect. And of course you are.

I’ve got one more month left of maternity leave, and I think it’s going to be our best month yet. You’re starting to be so much more aware of your surroundings, so heading out of the house is a little more fun, but it can also be a little more scary. No more taking the tiny sleeping baby anywhere we want. Now we run the risk of having a crazy screaming little person at the dinner table. We’re still trying though.You quite enjoyed your dinner at Patzcuaro’s the other night.

 

It’s like you’ve finally woken up to the world, and you can’t wait to see what’s out there. And I can’t wait to show you. Love you baby.

Love,

Mama

Posted in Evie, monthly updates.

1 comment

By Jeni – September 6, 2011

Infant Essentials

Evie is almost six weeks old and I am emerging from a newborn haze. Actually I lie, I’m still in it. But, I’m trying to make my life a little more normal these days. Being a mom is pretty much the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. People tell you you know, when you have kids how things will change. How you’ll be different because you’ll experience this love that’s so big and enormous you think you’ll burst. But I don’t think I really ever got it. I know I never got it. But now I do. Now that I have this little girl I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

But, as you know, having a baby is not without it’s challenges. Yes there have been a number of tear-filled, desperate moments at 3 a.m. And that’s not just the baby. So without further ado, some of my must-haves for the first few weeks of the little lady’s life.

Aden & Anais blankets for swaddling. This is a pretty standard one, but the swaddle is a must-have.

Halo Sleep Sacks. Perfect for making her feel all cozy, and easy for mom and dad.

 Gas drops. ‘Nuff said.

Petunia Picklebottom Onesies. Expensive, yes. But so soft, functional, and tre cute, no?

ETA: For all Evie, all the time, check out our Posterous blog.

 

 

Posted in Evie, housewife-y.

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By Jeni – August 15, 2011

Meet Evie

She’s here and I’m in love. Meet Evelyn Grey. Born Wednesday, July 6 at 12:05 p.m. weighing 7 lbs 2 oz. and 18.5 inches long.

 


Posted in (non)WorkingGirl, baby, Evie.

1 comment

By Jeni – July 12, 2011

In It

I am in it. This pregnancy. I am fully in it. Every day, every movement I make, she’s there. I can feel her. And it’s not just the tiny movements, the hiccups, kicks and punches and stretches. It’s so much more than that.

How can I explain what it’s like to be pregnant? It’s a little like being a walking science experiment. I’ve been thinking about updating here for so long, but I can’t find the words to describe it. I have immersed myself in the zillions of mommy blogs out there, and they all say something just a little different about this crazy thing that is pregnancy, and I just can’t get enough of it. I think my experience is just like everyone else’s, but also totally different. Makes sense right?

I’m 34 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I can’t believe it but two months have passed since I’ve written here. I’ve been writing in my journal and thinking about starting another blog to be honest with you. Another nother blog. I know, I’ve done this one hundred times. But now all I’ve got is baby on my mind and that’s what I want to write about. So I may just keep doing it here, or I may start something new. We shall see. Honestly I feel like I can’t make up my mind about anything right now. They speak of pregnancy brain, and it is no lie.

What is pregnancy brain? I think it has to do with the fact that all of your blood is going to support the new life you are growing, so that means you aren’t getting enough blood to your brain. Meaning basically, I am getting stupider. I forget words. I can’t describe things. I can’t make decisions and I have melt downs about little things. I also have melt downs about big things. I run into people/the sink/the wall every single day. I don’t have a concept of what or whose body this is. I am afraid if I don’t read every single thing in the universe about breastfeeding I will be a FAILURE.

My life is no longer mine. It is this little girl’s. She owns me. I no longer make a decision without involving her.

I am not one of those miserable pregnant ladies who can’t do anything except lay around and complain. Sure, I have my days, but for the most part I’m good. I’m not one of those happy earth mama preggo ladies either. I’m just kind of in-between. I won’t lie and say I love being pregnant. I’m ready for this part to be over. I hate turning side to side all night long, and never feeling really comfortable when I’m sleeping. I miss things I used to be able to do, like bend over easily and go to my turbokick class. I get weirded out by the changes that are happening every day. But feeling her move and kick around inside me is pretty freaking awesome. Scary and weird, but awesome. I’m sure I’ll miss that part. The rest – meh. I think it might take some convincing for me to do this again anytime soon. Oh and the clothes. The people in the maternity clothing industry should be shot. Pretty much all of them.

For me, I can say this last part is going to be tough. I feel like I am just WAITING. That’s all I’m doing. Me – the girl who reads the end of the book first and always pre-opened her Christmas presents – I cannot stand to wait until this random day they’ve given me to meet this child. And who knows, it could even be AFTER that day that I get to meet her. I’ve got six weeks left, and I will be looking at the clock every single minute from now until I have this baby. It’s nice to at least have the doctor’s appointments to count down too, but still. How do people not die from the agony of waiting?

I know I have to steel myself and really prepare for the fact that she could be late, but man I just have this feeling she’ll be here early. I also had a feeling she was a boy, and she’s not. And I also thought she was head down, and she’s not, she’s breech. But she’s going to turn, I just know it, and she’s going to be early, I just know it. I need my brain back.

Posted in baby, pregnancy.

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By Jeni – June 2, 2011

Arthritis During Pregnancy

So quite a few people have asked me how my arthritis is doing during my pregnancy, so I thought I’d go ahead and give an update here.Who knows, maybe some other poor preggo with arthritis will stumble on this blog and it’ll help her in some way or another.

Background info: I’ve had psoriasis on my hands and feet since I was about 19, so 11 years. When I was 28, I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (warning: if you click on this link you will see a gross picture. And no I don’t have it that bad). Basically, about 20% of people with psoriasis develop psoriatic arthritis. It’s an immune system disorder and mimics rheumatoid arthritis, but is usually generalized to the hands and feet, and sometimes the spine. That’s a super brief synopsis of course, but you get the idea. It sucks.

When I was first diagnosed my toes were swollen up like sausages and I could hardly walk. I tried a couple of biologics, including Enbrel, and finally settled on Humira. Basically, I gave myself a shot once a week that acted as a TNF blocker, and it slowed the inflammation dramatically. I felt good on Humira. My toes weren’t swollen, things didn’t hurt, and I was pretty much able to forget I had arthritis (aside from sticking myself with a needle once a week).

When I decided to try to get pregnant, I stopped the Humira, knowing that it might cause some serious flare-ups, but not wanting to risk anything with the baby. Most of these drugs have been on the market for less than ten years, and they certainly haven’t been tested on pregnant women, so no one really knows what the effects might be.

Today I’m a little over 6 1/2 months pregnant (holy crap!), and I’ve been off of my meds for about 9 months. As the months have progressed, my symptoms have gotten worse and worse, but shockingly they aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. My doctor even told me that he thinks pregnancy has technically improved my symptoms, because if I went off the drugs without the counterbalance of the baby growing inside me and all the hormones that come with it, my symptoms would be much much worse.

That said, I don’t feel great every day. But I don’t feel terrible either. Most days I wake up and my feet ache and my fingers are swollen. No I’m not to the point where I can’t open a jar or button a button, but you know, it’s just something else to deal with. Pregnancy comes with a lot of aches and pains though, so I’m kind of just thinking of as another one of those. I also seem to have acquired plantar fasciitis in my left heel, in part due to this inflammation, according to my doc. In other part due to my “pretty shoes.” Whatever. They’re flats. I’m not wearing white sneakers to work. I’m just not doing it.

I guess what I’m more worried about is after I have this baby, and I don’t have all of these lovely hormones raging around inside me, but I still can’t go back on my meds because I’m breastfeeding. Then what? Do things get really bad? Do my toes bend and fuse? I don’t know. Hopefully not, but that remains to be seen. For now, I’m just counting down the days until I get to meet this little girl. And crossing my fingers I’m not passing this crappy immune system disorder on to her.

 

Posted in arthritis, baby, pregnancy.

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By Jeni – April 7, 2011

Want

There’s this one scenario in my mind where everything is easy. Things are in place and moving along smoothly.

Then there’s this other scenario.

It’s called reality.

This past weekend was good really. There may have been a minor blowup about whether or not I was helpful in *Lowe’s, but aside from that, really fun.

*Short version:

Me: I was so being helpful!

John: You were the complete opposite of helpful! I will kill you.

Let’s just say we never really settled on a winner for that argument.

We did however, paint the nursery. And lament about how we’re spending too much money on everything but we’re powerless to stop it. Who knew a baby could be so expensive?

Everyone? Oh yeah I guess so.

I also got to the gym, got a massage, walked the dog a whole bunch, caught up on Thursday night TV, and got to see good friends. All in all a great weekend. Except for the Lowe’s part. I guess I feel fine about it though, because I’m pretty sure that at least one out of every two couples walking around Lowe’s or Home Depot is arguing about something or other.

Anyway, back to my scenarios. I do have these perfect scenarios of life in my mind, but it’s just not working that way somehow.

For instance, I want to write in this blog and have it be a place to chronicle my life and all my thoughts about the world. I can’t help but censor myself a little though, because I know the rents are reading. (Hi mom and dad – see, no F word anywhere in this post!)

I also want this not to become a mommy blog, but I’m kinda thinking it’s taking that turn. Sorry folks, that’s what’s going on in my life. I wish I could take beautiful photos of salted chocolate brownies, but I am too busy reading weird birthing stories from Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.

I want to be one of those active pregnant ladies, the ones who are still going to kickboxing and running 10ks and what not, but it turns out that I need a giant sandwich after just 30 minutes on the elliptical, so that’s just going to have to do for now.

I want to not get annoyed at that person at work who is doing that thing that I’m not going to talk about, but man it is annoying me.

I want not to be cryptic but I am.

I want to read the New Yorker like I used to and be informed about my world and not just worry about what vanity will look good in our tiny bathroom.

I want a margarita. A big giant margarita. A good one too, no sweet and sour. All lime juice and salt and tequila.

Oh did this just turn into a list about all the things I want? I guess I could go on and on.

It’s fine though, it is it’s all good. I think thinking about all of the things I want to do really makes me a better person. It makes me strive to do better. Be better. Wanting a margarita makes you a better person right?

Posted in baby, goals, motivation, pregnancy, productivity.

1 comment

By Jeni – March 29, 2011

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