The Girl

So, I’m having a little girl. We found out on Friday at our big halfway mark ultrasound/anatomy scan appointment. And I honestly couldn’t be more excited. I mean, I’m excited in a way that I wasn’t sure could happen. I am going to have a baby girl. A little baby girl with arms and legs and it’s all there! She’s healthy and she has all her parts!

It’s such a relief – I can’t tell you the pressure I feel as a pregnant woman. Do you know I am in charge of growing this life and if it gets messed up, I am to blame? I mean I know realistically that is probably definitely almost never the case, but god it sure does feel like it sometimes. It is so much pressure. So much. And to go to that ultrasound, and see the arms and legs and everything there and then on top of that to see the tech write “girl parts” on a picture which, frankly, looks like a whole lot of nothing to me, well it is just such a relief.

I had myself totally convinced I was having a boy, and I almost think it was because I was so secretly wanting a little girl. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would love a little boy, love him to death I’m sure, but I think I just really wanted a girl all along. Maybe it’s because I grew up with sisters, and I’m a girl, and I just don’t know anything different. Maybe it’s because I want her to be my BFF and love me and tell me all her secrets and I’m not sure a boy would ever do that. Who knows. Whatever it is, the idea of having little hairbrushes and tiny dresses and little tights just gives me a thrill.

Which is hilarious I’m sure, especially to my mom, who has told me multiple times that if my daughter is anything like I was growing up, I am in for it. I hated little hairbrushes and tiny dresses and tights. I wore baggy men’s pants I got from the thrift store and put my hair in little buns and blasted Bad Religion all day long. I was not a cutesy little girl.

And really, I don’t anticipate my daughter will be like that either, but it’ll be fun to see. I can’t wait to see what she can do. I’m imagining of course she’ll be incredibly intelligent, because isn’t that what all parents expect from their children? Of course she’ll be the first female president, bladdy bladdy blah. But maybe she will be or maybe she’ll be a badass roller derby chick. That would be cool too.

I really want to be a good parent – I don’t want my daughter to ever feel limited or constricted or have issues about who she is, how smart she is or how she looks. I have enough of those for both of us, and I absolutely do not want to pass those down to her. There’s so much more to worry about there, but right now I’m trying to push those thoughts out of my head. I’m trying to focus on the fact that I have a little baby girl happening right inside of me, and she wants me to bake cookies. She told me.

And who knows, there’s a slight possibility that this is a baby boy kicking me in the bladder right now, he was just hiding his parts when we had that ultrasound. And if that turns out to be the case, that’s okay too. He can still be president or you know, whatever he wants to be.

I sound totally ready to be a parent, right?

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