I talked to a friend today. She told me some things I didn’t know. Things I was sorry to hear, but things I was almost relieved to hear at the same time. She told me how she’s been struggling with a little bit of postpartum depression, and how damn hard it is to be a mom. And as she was talking, I found myself nodding. Nodding and saying yes and mmm hmm and I get that and I SO get that. And I realized this sense of relief flooding over me.

No, I don’t think I have postpartum. But I think I have a case of damn this is hard and I don’t know what I’m doing. I definitely have a case of that.

Every day. And it’s nice to know someone else feels that way. No I don’t want her to struggle. I want her to get better and for things to get easier and every day I’m going to be thinking about her hoping that happens for her and doing whatever I can do to support her. But I want her to know that it’s okay that it’s hard, and I’m so glad she said it out loud. Someone needs to say it out loud.

I’m new at this. The mom thing. I’ve got nothing to go on except books and message boards and millions of strangers on the Internets and nosy women at the local sandwich shop telling me what to do. Who do I listen to?

I might never know.

In fact I’m sure I’ll never know. I’ll never know until one day, I’m looking back at all this, or I see some woman in the grocery store struggling to keep her baby from crying and get the damn frozen meals in the cart because she sure as hell doesn’t have time to cook a real meal and maybe I’ll be a little judgy. But hopefully, I’ll be like this lady, and I’ll pay for her groceries and tell her to keep on keeping on and do the best she can.


I’ve been struggling with work. Going back was rough. Nearly impossible some days. There’s the obvious difficulty of being away from Evie for such a large part of the day. Then there’s pumping, which is pretty much the WORST. Side note – if you know a pumping lady, you need to go give her a cookie. She’s probably hungry. Then there’s trying to fit in exercising to lose the baby weight, and cooking healthy dinners, and getting your child on some kind of perfect sleeping schedule, oh and not to mention maintain some sort of a social life or at least pretend you still have friends, and it’s all just so stressful.

But other moms do it. Tons of them do. They do it every day and practically every single one I know makes it look so good.

But I’ve been struggling, and definitely not making it look good. I feel like I’ve pretty much been failing at both.  I’m a bad employee because I’m so sleep deprived and I just can’t focus on anything except my baby. But I’m a bad mom because I’m not home and she can’t even roll over yet and she’s getting all of these ear infections because of daycare and it’s ALL MY FAULT.

So I’ve been thinking about all of this, thinking about my life and how it’s happening NOW and I can’t just sit back and let it happen to me, and I’ve come to a decision.

I’m leaving my full-time job so I can spend more time at home.

Coming to this decision was also one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. For as long as I can remember, I have been a go-getter. A climb the ladder kind of gal, always on the move. And I have (had) a great job. I liked it and was about to get another promotion and things were going swimmingly. But Evie has changed everything, and my priorities are just different now.

I want to be with her. I want to see her more and I don’t want to race out the door to show up on time for an 8 a.m. meeting that 6 other people are LATE to. I just don’t have the patience anymore.

I still want to work, and I’ve been struggling with the thought of leaving my job, so I think we’ve come to a happy medium and I’m going to do some contract work. I’ll still get to be home with Evie more, but I can keep doing the things I’m good at and hopefully all of these things I’ve worked so hard for won’t take a nosedive.

I know I’m lucky because I GET to choose. Not a lot of people get to do that. And there is a small part of me that still feels like a little bit of a failure, like I couldn’t hack being a full-time working mama. But there’s another part that says screw it.

This is the right decision for me, and the right decision for our family.

So as of February 3, life’s going to be changing a little bit. Or a lot bit. And I still reserve the right to complain as much as I want about how hard motherhood is. But that’s okay, because I get this.

And that makes it all worth it.

Six Months

Dear Evelyn,

You are six months old. I can hardly believe it. Half a year has flown by. And you are so awesome right now. You are babbling and chatting and let’s face it SCREAMING (in delight most of the time) and it is so hilarious. You are so clearly an opinionated baby and I just love it. You always have something to say about what is going on.

You are starting to move quite a bit more now, but still no rolling over. I have to admit it’s made me a bit nervous because apparently that is a big six-month milestone, but I know you’ll do it at your own pace. You have however, mastered sucking on your own toes, which is pretty adorable. After a couple of visits to the baby physical therapist you’re doing great on your tummy and lifting your head up a ton. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified for the day when you start crawling, so I don’t mind you sticking to the lump stage for now. I know it won’t last much longer.

The past month has had its ups and downs, and after your fourth round of ear infections we are officially taking you to an ear nose and throat doctor. You’ve been a trooper through all of this, always happy even through three days in a row of pretty heinous antibiotic shots right before Christmas. I think tubes might be in your future, and that scares the hell out of me, but I want you to be well and I want you to be able to hear me clearly WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU YOUNG LADY!

We went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago and it was a pretty incredible trip. Something happened there, some kind of sleep miracle, and you actually started putting yourself to sleep for naps. We are still unclear as to whether or not this trend will continue now that we are home, but for now I am absolutely thrilled. Now if we could only get you sleeping through the night (really sleeping through the night, not this five-hour stuff).

Hawaii was all-around amazing for you I think. You loved the sun and the climate was wonderful for everyone. You didn’t enjoy the ocean too much and were kind of indifferent about the pool even though we were all pretty gung ho about your little float. You did rock some sunglasses though. And you had a great time just hanging out on the towel we put down for you in the living room of our condo. We rented a bunch of baby gear and I have to say that is such a fantastic business idea for a tourist spot like Maui. It was great to have a crib and an exersaucer and all of the other junk we need for you. Even though it’s all pretty tiny, you sure do need a lot of STUFF.

Oh and lest I forget, we started solids this month. Well not really, we actually just started a mashed up banana with some milk, but you seem to like it okay. We are going to start some cereal, avocado and other veggies pretty soon here. It’s kind of fun to see you eat but honestly I could wait on this one. I know it means lots of messes to clean up and it makes me kind of sad – it’s like the end of an era. Also, I am terrified of giving you any food issues. But I am going to try my best to set a good example and just have fun with it. Even if that means gooey smashed bananas all over the floor. I’m sure Saucer will love it.

I’m looking forward to spending some more time with you over the next couple of months. You’re going to say mama any day now. I just know it. You’re a total prodigy. I can’t find one picture of us together where you look happy though. Am I stressing you out? I’ll quit pressuring you. Just say it and I promise I’ll stop.

Love you baby girl,